Theatrical ThugaView: My Bloody Valentine 3D
“MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D” (2009)
Starring: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Betsy Rue, Edi Gathegi, Tom Atkins, Kevin Tighe, Megan Boone, Karen Baum, Joy de la Paz, Marc Macaulay, Todd Farmer, Jeff Hochendoner, Selene Luna & Richard John Walters
Written by Todd Farmer (screenplay), Zane Smith (screenplay), John Beaird (1981)
Directed by Patrick Lussier
Polly Staffle ThugaView Rating: **
“You’re just like a carnival, flash on the outside, inside nothing but filth.” - Robert Frith
I’m a sucker for 3D. So much so I even made sure to pick up 3D glasses for the commercials just before halftime of Super Bowl XLIII. Sadly, the trailer for “Monsters vs. Aliens,” the SoBe Lifewater spot and preview of a special episode of “Chuck” ended up all being disappointing in the three-dimensional department. This didn’t end up being the case for Patrick Lussier’s “My Bloody Valentine 3D.”
No, this film, shot with digital Red cameras, looks amazing. The 3D is great. Pick axes and bullets come right at you, the movie screen gets smashed a number of times, blood seemingly splashes across the theater, and then some. However, when it’s all said and done, the script is nothing more than a rip-off of just about every episode of “Scooby Doo” you saw as a kid.
There’s no Scooby and Shaggy running from faux ghosts and getting their eat on; instead we get a coal miner delivering bloody spikes to the head of victims and cutting out their hearts. There’s no Velma, Fred and Daphne either; instead we get Jensen Ackles (”Smallville”), Jaime King (”Sin City,” “The Spirit”) and Kerr Smith (”The Foresaken,” “Final Destination”) in a love triangle. But we do get plenty of other Hanna-Barbera Mystery, Inc. story elements.
A small town? Check. A spooky establishment at the center of the town that someone wants to sell, but others don’t? Check. Does said place soon become haunted by a possible super natural being? Check. And does this maniac terrorize the town? Check. Are there a number of shady characters presented as possibly being responsible for the crimes? Check. Is there an overbearing sheriff with questionable motives? Check. Is there a new guy in town with an axe to grind and a mysterious past? Check. Are there some old geezers that “like their town the way it is and that’s that”? Check, check, check-itty, check. “And I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids” ending? Nope. That wouldn’t leave room for a sequel, now would it?
Talking dog cartoon similarities aside, “My Blood Valentine 3D” has other script issues. The movie opens decently with a back story about a miner Harry Warden (Richard John Walters), who was the lone survivor of a cave-in. Harry survived it seems by killing off the other miners with a pick axe to conserve oxygen. When rescuers find him, he is in a coma. The story then jumps to what seems to be present day. It’s Valentines Day, Harry awakes from his coma. Blood and gore ensues, so I’m thinking that this film isn’t wasting no time getting down to business. Wrong. This part of the film too is a back story and things shortly jump 10 years ahead. Then things get really messy, the film’s plot included.
On the upside, I will admit that I very much enjoyed the 3D effects the film offered and hope to see more horror projects with the terror jumping off the screen like this one. I think Patrick Lussier, who directed the highly entertaining “Dracula 2000″ and has worked as an editor for Wes Craven on a slew of films, is a very talented filmmaker. If Lussier gets his hands on the right script and he incorporates the digital technology he used on this one, then look out. Other positives of note, were the presences of character actor Tom Atkins (”Halloween III: Season of the Witch”), cameos by screenwriter Todd Farmer (”Jason X”) and 3-foot-10 comedic burlesque star Selene Luna, as well as a fully nude Betsy Rue (”Miss March”).
Overall, “My Blood Valentine 3D” is worth a watch while it’s playing in Real D, the same awesome technology “Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D” was shown in, but that is about it. Once it hits video, I will surely forget all about it, much like the cheesy slasher from a few years back “Valentine,” which starred Denise Richards and David Boreanaz.
- CCF, February 2009
Tags: 3D, Betsy Rue, Edi Gathegi, Jaime King, Jeff Hochendoner, Jensen Ackles, Joy de la Paz, Karen Baum, Kerr Smith, Kevin Tighe, Marc Macaulay, Megan Boone, My Bloody Valentine 3D, Patrick Lussier, Polly Staffle Reviews, Selene Luna, ThugaView, Todd Farmer, Tom Atkins